That One Ugly "D" Word..

There is a big "D" word that no one really likes to discuss. We're going to go over a little bit of that tonight.

Divorce.

What is there to say, right? It's a hurtful thing that happens to couples that once loved each other..and sometimes still do. They feel like there is no other way to turn. Just remember that you are not alone in this.

First, let's get to the real reasons why a majority of married couples end in divorce. We'll go over them one at a time to help you better understand.

Arguing

Not enough time together

Money (or lack thereof)

Unrealistic expectations

Abuse

Infidelity

Lack of commitment

Those are just a few that could cause problems within a marriage, that can lead to divorce. We're going to go over these kind of quickly. We'll start with the first, arguing. There are moments in our life, and marriage that we don't see eye to eye on things. That's okay. We spend hours and hours a day seeing how other people live, how other marriages are, wishing ours could be the same or close to it. The reality of it is, IT WILL NEVER BE LIKE ANYONE ELSE'S! We, as women, need to understand that fairy tales are unreal. As well as, unrealistic. One of the things a therapist I know says marriages fail, is because of unrealistic expectations. The expectations that we have for men to wine and dine us, to be the same all the years we are married, to not lay around when they're tired and go around town with us instead.. these are all fantasies that are put into our head of what the perfect man should be. As well as, men wanting the perfect woman. There isn't any perfect woman. We're all going to have stretch marks, to be whiney at times, to be indecisive about where we want to eat, buy massive amounts of clothes, oh, and let's not forget shoes! There is no perfect woman, there is no perfect man. Which, can sometimes lead to infidelity. . However, if one of you disagree and it continues to be a problem- that's when things get rough. If you really don't have too much time together because you or the other are always working, or if you're just out with friends, whatever it may be. If there is no money, or there is money but you both don't agree what to spend it on, that can be a problem.

We all at some point or another get unhappy. Whether we're unhappy with ourselves, or unhappy in our marriage (because of unrealistic expectations).. But, that is no reason to step out, or cheat, however you put it, on your spouse. You at one time, loved them. They deserve the truth. They deserve for you to be honest with them about things that you feel aren't going the way you thought they would. When a marriage fails, it is BOTH of your fault. Not just one of you. Tell your spouse you miss them, tell them you're unhappy. Chances are, after you have told them these things, the trying times can turn around. It may not happen overnight, but they will change. You can not give up! Too many people give up on their spouse. They forget why they got married in the first place. You made a promise to him/her. It is not fair to either of you if that promise is broken. It should never be broken! If you want to be with other people.. DON'T GET MARRIED. There is no such thing as an open marriage. You may be wondering how I know, right? Well, let me just let you in on a little secret. My spouse filed for divorce, got back with me- then a year later cheated on me.. But, you know what... I didn't leave him. I forgave him because I love him. It took me a little bit, but I knew that he was the one that was made for me. He betrayed me, in the most awful way. But, I have also lusted after other men. I never slept with them, but I wanted to. So, technically, I did cheat on him. We have now been married for 9.5 years. I'll admit this to you, I never thought it would last. But, I am so happy that it did. He is my best friend. He knows who I am, and he loves me for it. He understands me. If that is what you want in your marriage, you should never give up.

Let's continue. We have come to lack of commitment. Listen, there are so many reasons that a couple can be lacking commitment. They may not be happy with the way the relationship is going, they may have another confidant some where else that is listening to them, someone that is making them feel good (that's not you), and they may be getting attention from everywhere else but you. Just remember to be honest with one another. If you are not honest with one another, and your lives together continue in this manner- that's when the opening to infidelity starts. TALK to one another. If you can talk to your friends about your problems, you can talk to each other about these problems.

Last, but not least- Abuse.

No matter what, abuse is unnecessary. Do not cuss at each other, do not hit each other. That will definitely end your marriage. Emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse, because physical abuse will heal. Emotional abuse will take years to heal, if ever. Do not do that to one another.

If kids are involved, that is a whole different story. We will discuss this further next week.

Reference:

Doherty, Dr. W. H. (n.d.). How Common Is Divorce, and What Are the Reasons? Retrieved March 11, 2017, from http://www.divorce.usu.edu/files/uploads/lesson3.pdf